Rishi Sunak is right. Proper patriots don't mess with the flag

Man who was elected by 0.01% of the population to make speech about protecting democracy

Therese Coffey having never heard of Kigali in Rwanda sums up the Tory mentality for me: 'someone said something I didn't understand so rather than do some research, I'll assume they're wrong'

'Let them eat moths!'

Toploader is the ideal band to play the #ToryPartyConference because both a toploader and the Conservative party are full of dirty laundry trying to be cleaned

Rishi Sunak announces that the only reason he funded HS2 in the first place was because he mistakenly thought it stood for Health Service 2, without the National bit but including private investors

After criticism that the government has abandoned the north by cancelling the Birmingham to Manchester leg of HS2, Rishi Sunak announces the route will instead be covered by an HS2-replacement bus

Rishi Sunak, looking down out of his private jet: Look at that! So many cars. We're a nation of motorists. Ooh, I like that. Write it down, boy. I'll use it in a speech.

After criticism that the government has abandoned the north, the levelling-up secretary, Michael Gove, announces the leg between Birmingham and Manchester will be covered by an HS2-replacement bus

Tory MP:
*squanders taxes on vanity projects and contracts for their mates*
'Multiculturalism...'
*underfunds the NHS and local councils*
'...has...'
*dumps crap in rivers and lets schools fall down*
'...failed.'

Rishi Sunak: And I pledge that you'll no longer have to put your rubbish into seven different bins because we'll just chuck it straight into the sea

As Birmingham City Council officially declares bankruptcy, the government sends in Liz Truss who claims she's already identified savings of £35bn

As Birmingham City Council officially declares bankruptcy, the government sends in Liz Truss who claims she's already identified savings of £35bn

So are we to assume Gillian Keegan wasn't sat around on her arse while her office got a £32m makeover?

Gillian Keegan is correct in saying that the Tories have been very busy. The taxpayer's money doesn't just find its own way from public services into rich people's pockets, you know

'Your schools are falling down, your rivers are full of shit, NHS waiting lists are at their highest but don't worry, Quentin Letts is here to convince you to keep it that way so the ultra-rich can keep on laughing at you as they pick your pockets'

'Your schools are falling down, your rivers are full of shit, NHS waiting lists are at their highest but don't worry, Quentin Letts is here to convince you to keep it that way so the ultra-rich can keep on laughing at you as they pick your pockets'

Nadine Dorries has resigned to spend exactly the same amount of time doing sod all

*Death Star blows up Alderaan*
Darth Vader: Do you think we risk being seen as the nasty party again?

And here are today's headlines:
- Hawaii is on fire
- Desperate people keep drowning in the English channel
- The NHS hits record waiting lists
- Our rivers are literally full of shit
- Incomprehensibly rich people can now afford to go to space on holiday