wanna see if you can make my little meat puppet stand and stretch

~me flirting

i smell like sex

just kidding, i shit my pants

People who don’t get my exquisite sarcasm is why I don’t like people.

Hey (with the intention of seeing your penis)

I think I had enough todaying for today

kinda pissed no one said “good morning, beautiful” to me today

I’m in a threesome with death and being alive.

she’s a 10, but her bush is hairier than hagrid’s beard from harry potter

i swallow because it’s an aphrodisisnacc

Telling someone who earns about a million times more than me ‘no’ really does make the sun fucking shine

We went from 1st April to 17th April in about 5 minutes 🤯

I appreciate and value good sarcasm.

It’s hard to avoid stupid people because they’re everywhere.

They’re a 10, but they don’t say 'oohhh big stretch!' when a dog stretches.

People say don’t judge someone by their twitter account. Oh, I absolutely fucking will and do.

Few sounds are as sexy as a
zipper slowly coming undone.

When his voice is the sexiest thing you've ever heard, you know you're in trouble.

if she fakes her eyebrows she fakes orgasms

Guys that wore Affliction
t-shirts in 2007 want you to know that they found their missing white Oakley sunglasses. They were on the back of their heads.

Yes I’m Crazy
NO
You can’t have some