My wife just stopped the car and asked me where I learned the word yoni

Put down your local realtor

St Patrick’s day sucks since HR took away pinching

Pittsburgh Weekly Gazette, Pennsylvania, August 16, 1905

Send every email like it’s your last

In 1631, a Dutch guy published a book about his travels to SE Asia and it brought the word 'orangutan' into Western languages. Its description of orangutans is amazing

I’m a slip-and-fall injury attorney so this is actually the busy time of year for me

Oh look, it’s DJ White Guy

It’s obvious that the designers of Tesla cars have never felt the touch of a lover

In my culture, ‘gooning’ has always meant that one is eating a bunch of crab rangoons

Fancy house with 1-ply toilet paper? Gtfo outta here!

ah well

Never let your haters know your diaper is full

another christmas alone at the orphanage i guess

The most offensive thing about the Folger’s incest commercial isn’t that the brother and sister are clearly going to fuck later, it’s that he’s been in West Africa, home to some of the world’s most incredible coffee varietals and yet he calls Folger’s “real coffee”

I just learned that Adelaide, Australia is in its own 30-minutes-off time zone and I am not ok

YES

There’s a bar in Cincinnati that does this. By the end of the night pumpkin double stouts are like $3 lol

This is apparently the ShopRite Philadelphia corporate policy

Before we start the show we’d like to remind everyone to pick out their favorite ringtones and turn their phone volumes all the way up