He's not even trying anymore...

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife... I had a salad

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

[creating a clone of Beyoncé] lmao Beytwicé

Thanks. 😬

I got twitter blue and my wife came back with the kids

April fools.

After several years of careful research I can confirm I have wasted my life

April fools.

Still queueing up to high 5 the queen

We thought boris johnson was bad but liz truss killed the queen on day one

Leo DiCaprio tearing up royalty checks because Titanic was released 25 years ago

April fools.

April fools.

Since I've started dressing as a large flightless bird for the office, I'm beginning to feel quite ostracised

prison

[snail newsroom]
'Another slow news day, fellas?'
*newsroom erupts into laughter*
{snails eventually high-5}

the colour of a dad's neck at the bbq

ME: It's finally cooled down enough to sleep

ALARM: Guess what bitch