When your mum tells you you did really well for taking part.

They should make them do the Grand National without the horses. Just lots of little people trying to clamber over a series of hedges.

Hurry up, Summer! You prick!

Looking forward to Liz Truss's official May Bank Holiday picture of her cradling a tiny Morris Dancer in front of a derelict church.

Saying the answers out loud when watching Countdown on my own because I won't get the points otherwise.

Me: Why don't eggs taste like chicken?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job.

What's stopping you doing this.

My cat looks like he's about to charge me £8.

There aren't many things more British than watching people on telly look up at clear skies as they marvel at a solar eclipse.

Say what you like about Jamie Redknapp, but he doesn't touch his shoes.

As Scott of the Antarctic once said, it's a bit fucking windy.

A man disguised himself as rubbish to steal a parcel. If you look really carefully you can just make out the bag moving gradually towards the door.

Twitter.

Today marks the day Jesus came back from the dead to discover all the clocks had been put forward an hour as an elaborate April Fool's joke.

Jesus christ

My son just called rain 'The weather man's pee'. So there's that.

It's all a bit fishy. Might even go as far as to say it's probably the fishiest thing since Brian Haddock died in a bizarre fishing accident just days after he protested against new fishing quotas.

A rare glimpse of an inner-city bollard charmer in action.

This cat looks like Phil Foden.

I'm 46.