once again thinking about the time some lady didn’t understand my sister’s reflective jacket (that she wears for safety during her early morning walks) and pulled over to ask my sister to “turn her jacket off”

my favorite thing about popeyes is that they are completely unprepared for the most basic order (1 classic sandwich, nothing else) and it takes them 20 minutes to prepare it even if you’re the only person in the drive thru. no other fast food place could get away with this 🤌

D+ has got to be the most sarcastic grade

hydroflask this, stanley cup that. i need an upside down water bottle i can screw to the side of my bed and drink from at 3 am like a gerbil

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you're making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i'm going to the park

'i am so back' i whisper to myself as i get home from work (i live alone)

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

I keep trying to invite my friends to collect moss with me in the woods in the middle of the night so i can call it Midnight Moss but no one has taken me up on it so far

can whoever is messing with my voodoo doll at least make it do some situps please 🙏 bless

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

I’m convinced they didn’t do any market research on this because this is the fastest way to make me stop going to a grocery store

ugh i guess i’ll go out tonight but only to add to my lore

i feel like watching a movie that’s so weird that i’m kind of angry after. anybody got any recs?

She ground on my hog till I see my shadow

[explaining what a tiki bar is] it’s like Rainforest cafe for alcoholics

I’m not judging, I’m critiquing. It’s an important distinction.

It's amazing how much I accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over

i'm taking a break from dating right now to focus on being scared i'll never meet someone

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?