My kids saw mail I received that was addressed to me as “Mr.” and then my 9yo asked “Why do you have a mister in front of your name? I didn’t know you were an important person.”

Judge: Grounds for divorce?
Me: He slurped a bowl of cereal WHILE listening to a work meeting on speaker.
Judge: *bangs gavel* Granted.

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

boss: what the hell is that?

me: cpap machine. i’m sick of people bitching about me snoring

boss:

I don’t mean to brag but I have a very contagious yawn.

Kids today will never understand how in the early 90s, one could be insane in both the membrane AND the brain.

Why do authors subtitle their books, 'A Novel'? Did someone look at their book one day and say 'I thought this was a sandwich?'

A documentary about the making of the famous fake bigfoot clip, call it Sasq, Lies And Videotape.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That's a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

She was rare, like a goth juror.

It's only a blowjob if you get paid for it. Otherwise it's a blowhobby.

Me: So I have passed the gom jabbar test, you Bene Gesserit witch

Nurse, checking my blood sugar: Lol, no, you have diabetes

I love getting into a clean Uber because it’s nice to know how kid-free people live.

The smell of rain from an oncoming storm is delicious.

Sure, I understand that they use sporting events to distract us from the late stage capitalist apocalypse, but did you see that dunk??

10:07pm - 'I'm not sure these gummies are working.'

10:11pm - *googling 'Is [song that is playing] the greatest song in human history?'

Instead of counting sheep I like to count worst case scenarios

I’m never more creative than when I’m brainstorming workarounds to avoid getting up from the couch.

There's a bird singing outside this morning. It must be oblivious to today's obligations and busy schedule.

I told him we have stairs and he said he likes stairs

-my kid, really selling this playdate to his friend