'Please do not walk your dog until the aircraft has come to a complete standstill'

When you've been on hold for ever and you've put your phone down to play on your computer while you wait, there is nothing like the panic at suddenly hearing 'Hello'

They've been developing it quicker than some of the times I've played it

George Lucas missed a chance calling it the Force and not a Sith Sense

If you can, do go and see my chum Lindsay she’s bloody ace

I just got another 'Amber Alert,' and I'm thinking Amber's parents need to keep a closer eye on her.

I'm sitting opposite Five Guys and Claire's Accessories, both of which were also rejected names for the band Steps.

I presume Ralph Fiennes keeps all his valuables in a salph.

Me: Just let me love you!

Dog: I’m just not feeling it right now, man. Give me two minutes.

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'. It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

5 minutes into the film I spoilt it for everyone by standing up and yelling, 'BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST,' but then he rescued all the hostages and I felt like a bit of a dick.

In 1520, Henry VIII travelled to France to meet King Francis I at the Field of the Cloth of Gold. Outside Henry's temporary palace fountains flowed continually with wine.
Let's see how that went for them:

My daughter asked me, “daddy, what’s a perfumery?” So I told her - it’s a perfume factory.

She said, “oh, yeah - that makes scents.”

When I see a lost glove on the pavement and put it on a wall

Friday 19 April, our made-up murder hits Spital, Chesterfield. Tix £15, pre-book: [email protected]

What’s my favourite biscuit-themed French beauty-spot, you ask?

'I've damaged the bit that of my eye covering the pupil'
'Cornea'
'I say, I say, I say. I spy with my little eye... not much out of the left one...'

What time is the Rapture please? Need to know if it’s worth putting a big wash on

The lady at the checkout said, “How are you today?' and I replied, 'Yes please,' so I get you, jurors who wrongly convict people

The most disappointing thing for me when I visited the Louvre was that none of its doors had slats