me: whyyy won’t my body function properly??

also me: *doesn’t eat, sleep, or drink water*

My wife deleted social media off her phone which has actually been great for my productivity because now she does all her scrolling on my phone

Them: what kind of person are you?

Me:

My 6yo told his mama this morning “when a man has to fart, he farts.” My little mini-me…

You think you’ve seen it all and then your 2 y/o stands up during bath time and announces that he is pooping as two logs crash in the water and chaos ensues.

I took my toddler to a birthday party and before we left I told him about all the activities they'd be doing. Apparently, the only thing he cared about was cupcakes because he spent the whole ride whispering 'cupcakes' to himself.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Budgeting tip: You can free up a lot of space, and possibly save money, on your family cloud storage if you delete those pictures of the groceries you sent your wife while grocery shopping.

My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isn’t the cause at least half of them

As I get older, what I consider lunchtime gets earlier and earlier.

Do you add the children before or after the jam?

People on diet aren't mad at you. They're mad at their lunch

Remember being able to afford things?

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

My 7yo give the best burns to the whole family.

7yo: do you have a girlfriend
15yo: nope
7yo: oof must suck

Sorry I’m late I had to drive to the reservoir to fill my daughter’s Stanley cup.

I always tell my kids not to climb on stuff when we're out in public, and then there I go climbing the grocery store shelves to reach an item.