I tried to make this funny…………but there’s no punch line.

I was shocked to read in the paper today that a dwarf had being pickpocketed.

I just thought to myself “How low can anyone stoop so low?’

Just came home and my wife gave me a hug.

Then she said 'That smells expensive, what is it.

I said 'Diesel………I’ve just filled the car.”

🥃👍🏻👍🏻😜😜

I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't realised what l've done yet.

But.......the thyme is cumin.

I was once attacked by a group of mime artists.

It was horrible!

They did unspeakeable things to me...

🤪🤪🤪🍻🍻🍻

Nothing on telly tonight..........

A cyclops and a unicorn.…………That's an accident waiting to happen.

Yep! 🤪🎸🎸🎸

Though to be fair, since I started using Wegan picks, it has happened less, 13 quid a piece. 😂😂🎶🎶

I've just been through an automated till and it said 'APPROVAL NEEDED'.

I told it it was the best till I'd ever used and had a nice voice.

Sad to see the inventor of the speed boat has died.

The funeral will be tomorrow.

Followed by the wake.

All this talk about genetically modified food being contrary to nature is rubbish.

For my lunch today I had a delicious leg of cod.

Well this bloke certainly can't go out in public.………

This is a T shirt for me! 😂😂😂

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips.

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

Water heater broke today so I had to fill the bath with the kettle and loads of saucepan......…………..it was really uncomfortable when I got in.

The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of children living in bungalows since 1945.

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.

The fact sliced bread is considered our greatest invention probably explains why aliens don't bother visiting us.