Feeling you laugh because of me?

Yeah, my heart likes that.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, it can also be sent.

If they’re genuine, they don’t run hot and cold with you.

'Maybe', the same as 'what if' is one of the saddest words...

Any truth to the rumor, that Satan delayed breakfast ‘tis morning cuz he was waiting for The Juice.

Good Morning
To-Go Cups
Of The
Drive-Thru
Internet

Learn your place in people's heart and people's life so you don't overplay your part

don’t say anything offensive in front of your cell phone

*First date*

Me:* squirting the jelly from a donut straight in my mouth whilst maintaining eye contact*

Him: that's disgusting!

Me: *swallows slowly*

Him: ........when can I see you again??

If i like you; you are certainly a red flag

I always carry a stick of dynamite on my person. The speedos are an old distraction technique I learned in the Foreign Legion.

Free will is a myth we’re told to make us feel better

I like weird and smart but sometimes the line between weird and smart group and the 'I will fucking wear you like a Versace suit' group is too narrow for comfort

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Thinking about that time I was in a tense, serious discussion & I gestured wildly with my hands & a gummy bear fell out of my hoodie pocket.

People think I’m weird but it’s really because I am.

Every time I see P!nk singing upside down, I think I probably could've done a little bit more with my life.

It’s normal for your wife to walk off mid sentence and set a timer for something right?

All I want is to go to the grocery store without being assaulted by pushy salespeople set up out front.

*buys two more boxes of cookies*

Protip: If you ever bring two apples and a banana to work for snacks, be careful how you set them down.