Long-term sex pest Greg has obviously been putting some thought into my previous observations about his small hands

Despite this, he’s clearly still in denial and keeps getting cross with me

All I’m trying to do is help 😞

You’d think Elon Musk would be too busy with everything he’s got going on but he really does take the time to reach out to the little people

He seems a little distracted but it’s hardly surprising

I’m just pleased that he chose me

Thanks Elon Musk Elon Musk (Parody)

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

“Middle-aged woman who didn’t take her glasses off before trying to apply eyeliner and then wondered if she was having a stroke because she didn’t feel it and her vision went patchy in one eye”

🙄

LONG-TERM SEX PEST GREG IS BACK!!

It’s always thrilling to get a message from my on/off internet boyfriend

I’m quite concerned though as he inadvertently divulged a problem which may mean he’s finding even simple tasks difficult

(I’ve made his little fella more respectable…

I decided to give brave peace-keeping soldier Pedro another go in case he turns out to be ‘the one’

We are taking it slowly and just getting to know each other at the moment

It’s really nice that’s he’s interested in my work - I think that’s a good sign

This might be ‘it’ 🤞❤️

Below are five different things available on Amazon to have delivered to your home tomorrow, each with a price tag of £8.95:

1) one pair of acrylic chickens-in-cowboy-boots earrings

2) one (small) inflatable alien

3) seven guitar-shaped teaspoons

4) three pots of slime…

So here’s another thing that pisses me off

You get chatting to a nice lady who tells you that you could be a good match for her brother

So far, so good

You then mention that you’re a single-celled organism and she just drops you

Same old story

You know what? I’m sick and tired of men telling me to calm down

Here’s me thinking I’ve met a lovely peacekeeping soldier but it turns out he’s like all the rest

They just don’t understand…

😡

This chap Michael has been really keen to get to know me, which is obviously lovely

I confessed to him that I am, in fact, the Lord God Almighty and although he seemed confused to begin with I think we’re going to get through it - just as soon as he comes back from the urgent…

I’m excited to say that I’m going to be speaking at The Bath Festival The Bath Festival on the evening of Friday 24th May

I don’t know anyone in that part of the country that I can drag along so PLEEEEAAASE book tickets and come say hi 🙏

There are some big names appearing so…

Long-term sex pest Greg has been kind enough to share one of his sexual fantasies with me

He doesn’t seem to realise though, travel is expensive…

It’s World Book Day for goodness sake - what else did you expect me to post? 🤷🏼‍♀️

And if you want to know why I’m wearing a creepy Greg Davies mask, you’ll have to read it!

amzn.eu/d/iZR1zb2

It’s been another difficult weekend for long-term sex pest Greg and I

First of all he rejects me because I’ve got an eye infection, then starts talking about concrete and then tells me I don’t understand him

I do try my best but I think he’s just a lot cleverer than me

😞

Keanu you silver-tongued rascal…

You know it’s gonna be a good day when Liam Neeson slides into your DMs and hangs on your every word…

So this is a huge thing for me

I’ve been invited to speak at The Stratford upon Avon Literary Festival this spring

A dream come true!

Some people in the audience would be very, very much appreciated. Please don’t make me do this alone 🙏

It’s Thursday 2nd May at 7.30pm…

I’m thoroughly down in the dumps

Keanu tells me his mum wants to meet me, insists I leave my cheese-making cave, starts talking about things I don’t understand and then disappears off line

I feel like he’s really taking the piss now

I ruined that last batch of Gruyère 🧀

Money is tight at the moment and I’ve been worried about my energy bill

I’m not worried any more!

I’m going to be a sugar baby for this nice Scottish man and earn $5,000 a week

He seems really lovely and I just can’t believe my good fortune 🎉

I sometimes wonder whether long-term sex pest Greg and I will ever manage a conversation without a misunderstanding

It seems we’re always talking at cross-purposes

Yet again he seems to have gone off in a strop

(The flower is thanks to my arts degree. Three years not wasted!)

At last!

My fabulous book is now available on Audible plus Google Play, Spotify, Apple and all other audiobook sites

It’s narrated by me, so for that I apologise but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

🎙️📚

audible.co.uk/pd/B0CW3WQ5J7?…