Taking the high road is over. This year we're starting fights in Arby's parking lots.

Not to get too political, but it would be nice if things would stop getting worse in literally every way.

Person: [Calls from an unknown number]

Me: If it was important, they'd leave a message.

Person: [Leaves message]

Me: Yeah, lol I'm not listening to that.

If you can force us to give birth we should be able to force you to get a vasectomy.

Americans being anti-immigration is so wild. Like 'it's our land, we stole it fair and square' OK bro lmao

[First person ever seeing a solar eclipse] huh. that can't be good

Buying me a few drinks is like playing Russian roulette because either I'm going to get really horny or I'm going to cry.

Ah yes, the three stages of dog

Sample guy at Costco repeating his pitch to absolutely no one like some kind of capitalist NPC

There was probably a better way to do this but I wanted to show you my outfit and also my shoes 👉👈

Before you ask me for any kind of advice, I need you to know that I just installed a bidet and when the last step said to check to make sure it works, I did so while sitting directly in front of the bidet and looking right at it.

Reasons why I’m single

Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is 'cool sport rush'

If black cats are bad luck, explain this

[Human body design meeting]

Engineer: Obviously we want to keep the air hole and the food and water hole really far apart so nothing goes in the wrong one.

Boss: [Calling from his private jet] Sounds expensive. Just fuckin. Just use the same hole

Quick reminder to not believe anything you read on the internet today or ever.

Nothing to see here. Just a Very Normal Blanket doing normal blanket things.