I'm always on his side but Bugs Bunny brings a lot of these problems on himself

One onion is a oneion. I write it like this on my grocery list and only occasionally wonder what a oneion is.

Wow. This super hot girl in her underwear with ten followers and an OnlyFans account liked my tweet. She really gets me.

My whistling is deep and profound. If you hear it, you will beat your chest, call your mother, apologize, and pour out your heart with bitter tears. It is a gift and a curse.

For Catholics, drinking is an article of the Faith. We start early, like French children. Sláinte.

Swimmer's ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Few know this, but I am distantly–very distantly–connected to the Royal Family. They don't expect much from me. I wore jeans to the coronation.

It's nice you have another friend who's also funny, smart, and charming, but the fact is, she and I are competitors in this ecosystem.

I'm trying to stay out of politics on here and I love this country but the things we just accept as unavoidable are soul crushing.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today's bugs are not honorable.

Now, if you're looking for a smart bird, you want a corvid, not a parrot. Full disclosure: a corvid told me to say this.

How to build a Kevin pyramid:

1) Arrange the larger Kevins in a square grid.
2) On top of this, repeat with a grid of slightly smaller Kevins. Align each Kevin with the spaces between the lower Kevins.
3) Repeat for each level of Kevins until you have a single apex Kevin.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Screw you I’d rather lose a few eggs than make 12 baskets

40 plus years of finely curated self loathing isn’t gonna be cured by that “Broken crayons still color” sweatshirt, targeted Facebook ad.

I’m sure noodle kugel is amazing but I’ll never order one as I’m not sure I could live with myself after saying it out loud.

Picked a bad year to quit sniffing glue.

Timothy Chalamet as Willie Wonka. There is not one word in that sentence that doesn’t make me uncomfortable.

You guys wanna come over later we’re gonna do whippets and listen to Frankie Valli records