Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that's awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

30 days has September
April June and November
All the rest have 31
Except January which has 4,000

We can all have abs by summer if we stop our bullshit.

Signed my kid as an authorized buyer on my Visa card to help build his credit and it only costs me about $300 per month.

Can’t find the body wash and too embarrassed to ask my wife where we keep it again so I’ve been showering with shampoo and now we’re out of shampoo.

People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?

I already stopped going to the gym next year.

Parenthood: When you make enough money to live an exciting, comfortable, stress free life, but decide to have kids instead.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to watch what you want on Netflix then cancel and get Max then cancel and get Disney and so on… instead of paying for 7,000,000 shows at the same time.

tv apps cost 15.99 per month then want to charge you 4.99 to watch home alone

Started referring to myself as “us old people” and haven’t received any pushback.

They say motherhood is the hardest job on earth. Not the way I do it.

Husband, day 1 of owning a dog: It’s just a dog.

Husband, day 2 of owning a dog: We should give the dog a middle name.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Approach life with the grotesque zeal of a husband and wife realtor team at a neighborhood mixer.

Is it “I’d rather work at a cemetery” or “in a cemetery” I want my two weeks notice to be perfect.

My son said when he turns 18 he’s eating potato chips and only potato chips for dinner every night which of course brought a tear to my eye.