There are two kinds of people: those who put their car keys in the exact same spot every single time they get home and those who lose them the moment they walk through the door and those two people marry each other

Dear Santa,

Is it too late to ask for a new attitude for my husband?? I'm starting to loathe the holidays.

Sincerely,

A burnt out wife and mom going on year 15 of filling my own stocking. 😭

Hey UPS, our driver just delivered an $800 laptop & leaned the package against our mailbox that is over 100 yards from our house. Now I know they don't know what's in our packages, but is this common practice to leave our stuff so far away, esp in really rural areas?

Help I've destroyed my kitchen making enchiladas and now I'd rather die than clean it up

(deep inhale)

MY MILKWEED BRINGS ALL THE POLLINATORS TO THE YARD—THEY’RE LIKE, IT’S BETTER THAN YOURS

Your 28-year-old girlfriend does not want flowers she wants a bird feeder and just one moment of peace and silence

I will give them a billion dollars if they change their name to Dickipedia

I have a hair appointment tomorrow and I need to shower so bad why is it so difficult

I got on TikTok to find videos to motivate me to clean my house and thanks to ADHD I bought dry shampoo, found a new book to read, and now know what approximately half of the female population looks like with a beard. 🫠

Where'd you put your keys that you had in your hand 30 seconds ago?

Me: could be anywhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

What is the code at the grocery store self check out to weigh your bananas?

Also me: 4011

💀

People with ADHD... how many laundry baskets do you own?

I'm trying to see something

You're telling me that there are people out there that actually believe this shit?

We just had an earthquake in Los Angeles. During a hurricane. During a drought.

The turducken of natural disasters.

#hilary

If I ever have a decal on my vehicle that reads 'I Love My Granddogs' please just end it for me.

Me: 'I'm really struggling lately with my ADHD, I really want to go see a Dr.'
Them: 'You don't have ADHD'
Me: **lists off symptom after symptom that I've struggled with for YEARS**
Them: 'Nah, you've been like that your whole life, you're just lazy & disorganized'

🫠💀😭

Who do they think I am I can't even afford the shoes 🤣

Welcome to your mid 30’s. Your left knee starts to hurt when it’s about to rain and if you don’t get more than 6 hours a sleep you feel hungover the next day.

Aliens would have to be pretty stupid to want to take over our planet

A little poem I wrote as an overstimulated mom of toddlers:

Roses are red
Dark chocolate is rich
I heard too many sounds at once
And now I'm a bitch.