When getting a taxi to the airport I always pretend I'm calling my sons mid-journey to tell them to put the bins out so the driver thinks someone will be at home, so he can't burgle my empty house whilst away. I have no kids.

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BTW: We also run anon_opin 😡🗯

My twin brother thinks it's funny that we exchange vouchers on our birthday for the same value. What he doesn't know is I get my voucher from my works discount siite at 7% off, so he effectively buys me a pint every birthday. Cheers Bruv

Suspected I was only invited to drinks/meal with 7 'friends' as I always co-ordinate. Well this time I'm quietly not, and with 2 days to go watching on Whatsapp as no-one can agree on even the basics of times/eating options. It's brilliant just only having to turn up.

Maintain to my wife that I have to keep ahead of my daughter in Hogwarts Legacy to give her advice and help in the game. Really though, my Wizard avatar living his magical life is the only current joy in my own

My mom (69 yo) always nags about the cleanliness of my house so I sometimes pay for a professional cleaner to clean my house before she comes over. I let my mom think I cleaned it myself, and feel happy when she compliments me.

I was once tasked with sacking a member of staff for smoking weed in the toilet. I told him to clear out his desk drawer and go home. I later found a nugget of weed in his drawer and smoked it in the toilet.

I always brush my teeth to 'Too Much Too Young' by The Specials. Almost exactly two minutes and it ends with cheering which I like to imagine is a congratulations for my good oral hygiene.

I'm a school teacher about to get married. My fiancee insists that we double barrel our surnames. Her surname is a slang word for erection. I'm either going to need to find a new career or cancel the wedding.

I have a secret box under my bed. It contains household essentials like crockery and kitchen utensils that I'm collecting against the chance that one day I'll be able to move out of my parents' house and rent my own flat. I guess it's a sort of hope chest.

I sometimes scatter handfuls of ball bearings onto particular sections of the pebble beach near me to keep the metal detectorists busy and away from us.

Bought a new Samsung phone recently, and they offer £50 cashback if you send in your old phone. I didn't do it because of my Football Manager (2018) game on my old phone. I'm not ready to say goodbye to 16 time Premier League Winners, Bradford Park Avenue.

Wife suggested an open marriage, I agreed. In the ground rules she wanted us to be honest about any encounters we had. I've had to make a couple up because I've had nothing. Not a squeak.

I dress as a Victorian gentleman in private. Worked up the courage to go out in public in full Victorian attire. I got called Charlie Chaplin, Abraham Lincoln, Monopoly Man, Willy Wonka and a weirdo. Went into Next, bought new clothes and changed into them in the toilets.

Toilets at work have an iPad with a satisfaction for cleanliness. I use it to rate the satisfaction of my shits.

Last year I moved 250 miles. My new neighbour is basically The Male Online character from Viz. Steers every exchange towards his wanky Tory obsessions. I've just signed him up to Amnesty, Republic, Stonewall and Greenpeace.

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My toddler step-daughter creeps me the fuck out. On more than one occasion I've walked into a room after hearing her whispering to someone when there's nobody else in the room. As soon as I walk in, she stops whispering, slowly turns to me and smiles. What the fuck.

In my student days, I worked as a call girl. Made lots of money which I blew on holidays, designer clothes & jewellery. Thought it would last forever until, one day, an older gentleman, a city banker, just died on top of me, put me off entirely. Had to start studying after that.