it’s quite far up — its beyond reach — yes it’s definitely there, unless you can think of any other reason why my liver’s vibrating right now…

- what are you chewing?
- remember yesterday when you were chucking the skittles from your mcflurry, and i was catching them in my mouth?
-yup.
- and then i missed one and we lost it?
- yup.
- i just found it under my left tit…

- you spilt my pint you plasticine prick?
- leave it barry, just walk away.
- i’ll put my foot so far up your arse, even tony hart won’t know how to fix you…

- one good thing about diarrhoea, it’s a pain free way to lose a bit of weight.
- pain free.?! it feels like i’ve spent the last five days being fist-f**ked by popeye…

- what did they say?
- it should just retract back up over time, if not there’s a small operation to tuck it all back in. until then i’m a member of the prestigious ‘lady tea-baggers’ club…

- thank you for being my mummy.
- don’t thank me, thank the jägermeister, thank the doorman at ‘all bar one’ and thank the shoddy quality control of the condom factory…

- i’ve come to scoop you up and carry you off this factory floor.
- that’s a very sweet gesture terry, but richard gere never had a propensity to shit his trousers if he strained too hard…

you’re doing a great job. keep that pace and rhythm, and again, apologies for that unwanted ‘dutch oven’…

- okay. umm… under “weaknesses” you’ve put eczema.
- yeah……on my feet…

- i’m exhausted. it’s like a white knuckle ride that i can’t get off.
- seriously kevin, what ever that stuff is coming out of you, it’s eating through the porcelain…

- i think valentine’s day is a lovely institution. a chance to demonstrate our love and spend quality time togeth—
- we’re not f**king.
- it’s all just commercial bullshit really…

perfect.

- i knew you’d embarrass me in front of my work friends.
- i haven’t even got a drink in my hand yet, what the hell have i done?
- sorry sir i’m afraid we don’t serve Bovril…

- fancy a quickie?
- nope — kissing you in the morning is like sucking the gases out of a putrified pig’s anus…

this is what a momentary overconfidence in anal tone looks like…

and the nomination for ‘BEST HERO’ goes to— the man who stood on the other side of the road and called the fire brigade…

one last push for anyone wanting the 2024 calendar. get it now or forever hold you peace…

forestfr1ends.bigcartel.com/category/calen…

- it’s funny, when i squint my eyes it looks like chewbacca smiling at me…

- is daddy watching down on me from heaven?
- i wouldn’t bet your pocket money on it sweetie. he barely gave two shits about you when he was alive…