I’m tired of ‘people’ trying to control me using fear. Can’t they use nice things, cheap gas and groceries?

You can dodge a bullet and still have a scar from it

I trash talk myself so others don’t have to. I’m nice like that

Apparently only old people follow me on Twitter so congratulations everybody.

Termite: *chokes on the splinters*

People say don’t judge someone by their twitter account. Oh, I absolutely fucking will and do.

Give him a little ‘body language’.

I speak in body language better than speaking english

One of the biggest perks of driving a school bus is watching the sunrise daily.

I'd like to dip my toes in stark raving mad... I bet it feels nice.

I'll carry my misery... help me lift the joy

I sprinkle compliments everywhere I go.

This rapture was so lame. I didn't cum once.

Putting together an all male Spice Girls cover band, no weirdos.

I have to set important dates with reminders in my phone so I won’t forget things I need to do, but if someone wants some arbitrary, inane object I have seen for 20 years I can give very specific directions to it.

Nothing says American exceptionalism like watching a soldier’s mother argue for him at an army hospital while he stares at his boots.

Turn around, bright eyes!

I can be bossy, when the time calls for it

I looked up to you.
How did you end up so low?

Sleeping next to the ocean is pretty relaxing. Although to be fair sleeping is pretty nice anywhere.