My greatest achievement as a parent is being able to correctly guess my kids’ temperature within 1° by using the cheek to forehead method.

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

My father's sperm to my mother's egg: 'Now let's do a silly one'

Before you assume others have the ability to see your point of view, just know that the cashier just had to ask me what kind of fruit I had at the checkout.

It was a lime.

I just need an attractive person to always be walking ten feet behind me until I learn to maintain good posture on my own.

First came love. Then came marriage. Then came

[florida]
global warming is definitely a hoax, has anyone fed the sharks in the backyard today?

Isn’t it weird that eyelids aren’t thicker? Like, why the fuck am I seeing all this light if my eyes are closed? These one-ply ass lids

If you are a mom it means sometimes you feel bad about throwing away sticks. This is your life now.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

“Not murdery”

~ Me, recommending a handyman

*checks the screenshots of Adam Levine’s texts for grammatical errors*

We’re a fun family. Not posing silly in photos fun. More like making morbid jokes when one of us nearly dies fun.

I don't even want to be Pete Davidson's girlfriend, but someday, it's just going to be my turn

I can be a strong independent woman who also feels I shouldn’t have to put air in my own tires.

why thank you and yes these are kirklands

Other women jogging: color-coordinated, group of 4, talking and laughing

Me jogging: mismatched outfit with orthopedic shoes, gasping for air

Imagine running in the relay, you reach back for the baton but I hand you a cold busch light instead.