Did they ever catch the guy who designed the Apple TV remote?

Cool at-home craft idea!
1. Buy one of those 24 packs of toilet paper
2. Remove all the paper from the cardboard rolls and discard
3. Draw some robot-looking shit on the rolls
4. Discard robots and watch eight more hours of Daniel Tiger

My daughter put a rock inside a balloon and I am really into the sound it makes.

I had the nightmare again. Dozens of Italians joyfully singing at me from their balconies. “It’s-a not so bad... ah shut uppa you face!”

Maybe I’m being overly cautious, but isn’t it dangerous for Pence to be sucking Trump’s dick right now?

CBS All Access should be free for everyone. Not because of the pandemic, but because there's just a bunch of garbage on there.

No matter what your opinion of me is, I think it would change dramatically if you heard me singing along to 'Would?' in my car.

If your personal injury attorney has fewer than six 8’s in his phone number, you’re basically throwing money away.

Jimmie Walker is trending. Die? No. Might?

I have never met or known of a human being who has a Discover Card.

Getting my Oscar Picks out there just under the wire.

Where Are They Now: The Teletubbies’ Sun Baby

Underwear on or off?

Yesterday I watched The Empire Strikes Back with my 4 year-old daughter and answered all 50,000 of her questions and today we have the number eight podcast on iTunes.

What a fucking ding dong.

Yes, it’s sad as shit, but Bambi is a fucking sick-ass movie.

I hope that Hatidze Muratova attends the Oscars and her date is bees.

A good name for a lions-only dating site in Ancient Rome would have been Christian Mangle.

Just heard George Washington Carver died. So sad. RIP, Mr. Peanut. This is a STRONG tweet.