Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

my toxic trait is that if they opened Jurassic park I would still totally go

To see if we’re compatible, instead of telling me your star sign, tell me your favorite 90’s grunge/alt band.

gas pump:

leave your card inserted

leave your card inserted

remove your card wtf is ur problem

A fun thing about being over 40 is sometimes you can't remember if you're 41, 44 or 53.

Teenagers are actually very well behaved for people who just learned everything's bullshit

I love it when people ask lifelong insomniacs if they've tried melatonin. Pretty sure I could get hit with an elephant tranq dart right now and still be wide awake, but you enjoy your your little mouse supplement. So cute

Imagine if it’s a shit photoshop that brings down the British royal family & not that time they killed Diana

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

I have never found proof of anything in pudding.

People don't talk enough about the fact a place called 'Kinkos' existed.

why isn’t there a decongestant that decongests BOTH nostrils, we have the technology

You look like someone who buys unfrosted Pop Tarts.

I’m awake but like…. Begrudgingly

Babe, would you think I was nimble if I jumped over a candlestick?

No.

The Girl Scouts are out and about. Be careful out there.

Men who pay attention to the details of you are so sexy.

I’m 56.

I’m gonna put 2 spaces between sentences and not apologize for it.

I’ve never had a pizza that wasn’t personal, honestly.