I think it’s a rule of physics that when you’re waiting on reply, every unimportant app on your phone will send a notification.

I have plans tonight

(spend an hour finding something to watch, pause at the opening credits, scroll for 3 hrs)

Hey. You’re funny. I like you. We should be friends and never hang out but send memes

Okay team, today let’s be careful not to put our foot in our mouth, even though some of you *looks pointedly at Kyle* so clearly love sucking toes.

My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Who called them OJ conspiracies and not Pulp Fiction

This entire day could've been an email.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

I’ll never forget the day OJ Simpson received his verdict. It was the same day my child was born and my father in law rushed in my hospital room past my newborn shouting THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER 😩

Karen at KFC… or Whiner, whiner, chicken diner.

“Mommy, I accidentally had an accident… on the floor”

And other things they left out of parenting books

Those free shots they give you at the Mexican drive through are so spicy and don't even have any alcohol

I love how the circular photos of my colon look like shiny, new agate marbles.

Every tattoo tells a story. Like your wolf tattoo tells a story about missed child support payments

I’m going to take a stab in the dark but OJ wasn’t cut out for this life

50 Cent: I took 9 shoots

Diddy: I took hundreds of back shots

50 Cent: from a gun?

Diddy:….

50 Cent: from a gun right?

Watching a hockey game, the Cha Cha slide just came on and I think I nailed it you guys

Babysitting is like being on a first date but they literally hate you

Next time a guy asks to see more of me, I’m showing him my colonoscopy video