I was talking with a friend and his phone interrupted him and said 'sorry I didn't catch that' and he just looked at it, said 'shh, this doesn't concern you' and carried on talking and idk if I'm worried about him or kinda jealous

I don't know who needs to hear this but...
...*whips my kazoo out

This weekend I celebrated my 6 year addiction recovery anniversary

6 years off the street, 6 years of trying to be a better person

So I celebrated with my dogs!

I will give u the money in my pocket
The shirt of my back
The shoes off my feet
But don’t ask me to share my Food.
Ain’t happening. #hellz #no

I'm gonna make you a pizza now, just don't fall in love with me

*Me, making anyone a pizza

Gotta say if I had a horse with no name I wouldn't brag about it, i'd lie and say 'this is Huckleberry Megasonic'

Chihuahuas have 2 settings…batshit unhinged or shaking

I'm content being the fall guy but only until my sick parkour skills kick in

Had that awkward moment out today where someone starts chatting and I let it go too far to be able to ask who the fuck they were, then they said they'd give me a call sometime so now I have to go throw my phone in the ocean

one thing i love about being a Gen X parent of a Zoomer is that you don't hear much about them hating us. like there's some sort of understanding between us. i'm not sure what it is but i assume it must be Gen X being chill & Gen Z being awesome

I’m bored I think I’ll scare my husband and ask him where the drill is

You'll know if you woke up the nerd in me as you'll probably hear 'ok so it goes like this....'

It’s National Compliment Day!!

Genuine compliments should be distributed liberally IMHO- for any reason and at any time- but why not take the opportunity to fill someone’s bucket today?

I’ve been quietly cooking behind the scenes getting the second/final leg of this #LastWednesday rollout sounding perfect..

Aside from tour updates and a banger to hold y’all over, I’ll be mostly off grid till we’re ready to rock.

#LastWednesday will be dropping in 2024, stay…

Him: Do pigeons have feelings?

Me: They have a lot of feelings, they just don't cry about it like doves

telegram giveaway will be posted in 30 min!!!! link in bio!!

Don't even stop the planet I'll just jump off

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

I didn’t make a baby book for my kids, but I do have the tweets I wrote about them archived.

Happy Veterans Day and Remembrance Day, lovelies. Thank you to all who have served with honor and dignity ❤️