One major incentive for global de-escalation is that I don't want all our stuff to be called 'pre-war'. I can't deal with having a pair of pre-war Jordans in the trunk of my pre-war Nissan Altima.

One major incentive for global de-escalation is that I don't want all our stuff to be called 'pre-war'. I can't deal with having a pair of pre-war Jordans in the trunk of my pre-war Nissan Altima.

i was told jared kushner fixed all this

Sometimes I'll use my Whole Foods bag when I shop at Kroger, to let everyone know I used to BE somebody

I'll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I'd want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can't throw loose coins. But my man, I'm gonna need that bag back.

I'm personally against enacting laws about women's health from a time before women could vote. But that's just me, someone with a frontal lobe.

I'm not on any of the apps, and I don't just mean dating. I'm talkin GPS, Alarm Clock, Banking. Every day I just wander out there and hope I get home somehow.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

The lady at the gas station just checked my ID for a lotto ticket and said 'I remember 37. That time of life where you realize each breath is one closer to dying'. Ma'am it's 9am, let's not go full-Nietzsche at the Mapco.

Got a Ring alert that someone was at my door but it was because a prehistoric Lovecraft monster landed on the camera?

I can't even comprehend having 'sample The Beatles' money

Aye, how bout making me feel ░S░A░F░E░ ░I░ N░B░I░O ░ , eh?

Lol showed up late again today for my quality control gig at Boeing

Looking forward to an extremely chill and normal 10 months

It's always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

The space my brain needed to learn 'Marchioness of Cholmondeley' made me forget algebra.

I love that feeling when you're waiting on your therapist and you're like 'they have NO idea how hard they're about to work'

All the good Academy Awards are before it airs anyway. Show me the lady who invented a new steadicam gimbal or the dude who figured out how to mic a penguin family.