I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

“If you want to have a good day you have to make it a good day”

Me: well what if I want a pissed off day? I don’t have to put any effort into that

How many times in a row can you have temporary insanity before they call it permanent?

A vacation rental for rabbits
Call it hare B&B

Wait...you guys are peeling your shrimp?!

No no babe, the Batman night light stays on.

Can't, looking for a woman more fucked up than me.

Well, there's always hope I'll wake up sane tomorrow.

I just mowed my lawn,I feel like a dude

My 6 year old nephew just got asked to be in a summer coding advanced class.
I’m over here mastering paste and copy

Anyone else yell “your mamas dildo?

It was a strange set of circumstances

🎶Summer breeze, makes me feel fiiiiiine🎶

What i lack in morals i make up for in being real nice

Just ate seven-day old sushi. It was nice meeting you all

May the fourth guy to my yard get ALL up in my milkshakes.

I'm all Riot, no Quiet.

*I'm sure this one has been used but don't have time to read the thread

i’m down for multiple chicks in bed, you know so chicken cum too

Me: I had a bad day
Him: Wanna suck my dick about it?