your heart is too pure to be worn by tragedies my love

I’m so fucking hip my selfies are Polaroids.

Twitter always reminding you that no, you haven't seen it all. Not. Even. Close.

My super power has always been the ability to tune out people even when they're talking right next to me.

I can deal with failures, multiple failures but not with fucking liars

You ever wonder what you look like through someone else’s eyes? For me I hope it’s a Sausage Egg McMuffin

Ibuprofen, coffee and my kids left over toast for breakfast sums up my experience of adulthood

Frodo should have taken an Uber to Mount Doom, the difficult prick.

It’s possible I should stop relying on my Magic 8 Ball to make complicated medical decisions.

Does rage burn calories? I feel like I should be skinny by now

Some days, I eat a salad for lunch. And others, I have bacon cheddar dip with crackers followed by some candy. It's called balance.

Glad to know that every tragedy furthers my legacy of telling my ma yalls bad jokes.

Rock on.

Just happy I ain't where I used to be. That's all.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but on the plus side, neither do you.

I’m sure if I could calm down you wouldn’t have to mention it.

You can’t scare me. I had a banana packed in my school lunch every day. And knew it from the first bite of my PB&J.

You treat people the way they treat you..and suddenly you're the bad guy.

What kind of person are you if you don't verbally assault your work equipment.

Never fight a man with a perm. You will not win