How toddlers and cats are alike:
- they're cutest when they're asleep
- they will absolutely destroy your sofa
- they both eat out of the cat's bowl

I have moderate to severe anger at constantly hearing “moderate to severe” in product commercials….

Wife and i had to tell our 8yo 'No' to something he wanted and he just asked our Google Mini to play 'sad background music' and it HURTS to laugh without making a sound he can overhear

If Pandora had to pass a captcha test before she could open the box we wouldn't be in this mess.

Just cracked my back and yolk came out.

Lizards: [rule planet]

Humans: [evolve]

Lizards: you guys want insurance

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

A woman goes into the woods. She encounters a man and a bear. The man is actually cake. The bear has two wolves inside it. The wolves want to know if you would love them if they were a worm

Just so we're all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He's back

While I was on vacation, my mom was a victim of fraud. Her accounts are now empty. She is devastated, embarrassed and broke.

She didn't want to bother me when the pop-up appeared to call the fraudulent number.

I am angry and sad.

All I can do is this.

gofund.me/5aafadee

Him: I bought those cookies you like so much
Me: no, I told you I don’t like the ones with coconut
Him: oh sorry *proceeds to eat entire box

Rinse repeat

[putting on a hospital gown]

I'm going to dress my age

This turtle I found hasn't even touched its pizza yet.

Real introverts cut their own hair to avoid small talk at the salon

All I'm saying is Maggie Simpson has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

There should be a bajillion spinoffs for The Princess Bride like there are for Star Wars

What genius puts a windmill in the middle of a miniature golf course?!

Forgot my glasses so I'm pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

One of the toughest things about what I do is when I finish a project, fall in love with it, then have to box it up and ship it off…

Safe journeys to this one….

My dog seized her opportunity to lick inside my mouth while I was sneezing so no, I am not having a happy Monday