ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I've been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they're made of metal so they're pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Some days, you think you have it all under control. Some days, you need a poem to help you sail through.
Did you get yours? 👇🏻

amzn.in/d/hyo6WzK

Dating a married woman is very stressful. Small quarrel and she posts a picture of her husband and kids on Instagram with the caption,' #MyLifelines , #Mytruehappiness '!! 😂😂😂

Brace yourself
- lazy dentist

Get your copy of my book of poems ‘DIALOGUES FROM MY DWAM’

amzn.in/d/hyo6WzK

notionpress.com/read/dialogues…

dl.flipkart.com/dl/dialogues-m…

I talk a lot of shit for someone who chokes on his own spit sometimes.

If unicorns were real, imagine how easy it would've been to transport doughnuts.

Maybe if reality really wanted me to concentrate on it more than my phone screen, it would do more to make itself more interesting.
Survival of the fittest!

'Why would you tweet about Netflix?' my wife asks, 'We don't have Netflix.'

'I'm not married, either,' I point out.

She dented the frying pan- see why he wears that padded hat? Karabiri believes in flying saucers, too!

The great thing about having been married for as long as I have, is that I know that everything the tweets say isn't true. For example, my wife is angry and I'll tell her to calm down and nothing will ha

After 9/11, the US had the sympathy of the civilized world. They were ready to support us all the way, and did so in Afghanistan.

Then dumbass Bush decided to invade Iraq.

After 10/7, Israel had the sympathy of the world.

Then dumbass Netanyahu decided to become a warlord.

I love deleting tweets. I stand by nothing I have ever said

I'm like maybe 15 percent joking when I say this country lost its way when the pickup truck changed from the utilitarian workhorse of the common folk into a monstrosity that can't fit anywhere and seems precision engineered to flatten toddlers

Horrible tragedy about the Singapore airlines flight but look at the bright side. All that turbulence must have counted as steps in the fitness app.

Step 1
Get a wife✅

Step 2 read step 1 again

Might I suggest a stir-fry recipe?

👀🎯🤣

I ate some edibles before boarding my flight. It was a Red Eye.

my kid was upset because I took away her iPad and she was like “ugh! I bet when you were a kid, grandma let you have your iPad!” and I was like…bitch. grandma didn’t even let me have my FEELINGS