I used to think a peaceful mind was everything I wanted. He showed me otherwise when he resets it.

I like being asleep. I don't think I'll mind being dead much at all.

took 60mg of Adderall and have been at the container store for 8 hours

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i bet aliens think earth is the insane asylum of outer space

I’ll never be too grown to dance around the house in my underwear and lip sync Pat Benatar songs into a hairbrush.

I turned around too quick in the store and knocked over a whole shelf of WD-40 with my boob.

Just taught the 7 yo how to whistle. Hand me the Stupid Move of the Year award now.

Picked an action movie to watch for the low emotional labour. Cried 4 times.
THIS IS WHY I DON'T WATCH NEW THINGS.

#ADHD #anxiety #funnytwitter

The Canadian urge to try and out-polite everyone around you.

i’m not going anywhere, baby. i waited a lifetime to be by your side

My 5yo just told the hibachi chef “gracias” when he put the noodles in his plate in case anyone wondered how often we eat at the Mexican restaurant.

Hot sauce: for when you're trying to cut calories but still need to feel something.

If you believe Home Alone is a Christmas movie then you must also believe that Die Hard is a Christmas movie because they. are. the. same. movie.

MORE FUNNY STUFF PLEASE!

I’m fun-sized like those little razor-sharp pocketknives.

My toddler just asked me what kind of drill bit he was holding. I DID NOT KNOW I NEEDED POWER TOOL KNOWLEDGE TO BE A PARENT!!!!

My absolute favourite part of meetings is watching someone do math in an excel sheet while we all sit in silence.

They make toddlers voices so cute so you don't immediately snap when they ask for more snacks.

Learning how to love is much harder than learning how to fight.

Officially entering my, 'everything was better back in my day' era.