if the cta is gonna have another rush hour meltdown they should at least give passengers the option to stay on the train while they drive through the fire on the tracks real fast or whatever lmao “everybody hold onto something”

I got to see laufey and Mike Birbiglia over the weekend. They were both very funny.

tell me that ain’t Torgo Frank Conniff

I can’t wait for Taylor’s next album to hear the song ‘pass The RAVIoli, Stupid’ and it’s just about learning how to spell and interpersonal skills

I really like Marty Robbins but he had a lot of songs about shooting somebody and then feeling bad about it 🚩🚩🚩

the only men who should be wearing goatees are professional wrestlers and retired professional wrestlers

oh no why did mine look like this

👁️👄👁️🌒

I wonder if the moon is nervous abt the eclipse tomorrow

Jojo Siwa is out here acting like she’s the first person to put chips on your sandwich when you get out of the pool 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

me (6’ tall) meeting my date (who said he was 6’ tall): *hands on my knees* hey there lil guy

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a park with low carpet and hardwood floors where people can take their robot vacuums

I just wanna date a man with rougher hands than mine

Just watched a guy demolish a decent portion of a bottle of vodka before getting on a brown line train downtown. I’m in a different car but am very curious how it’s going in the car he got on. #cta

I love that jlo is just like oblivious to the world around her in a perpetual state of “waiting for her turn to speak” and a-one and a-two and a-three and a-four-a-ing around with an umbrella all while effortlessly offending the entire country 🤣🤣🤣

Diana Nyad wanted to keep swimming after she was stung on the face by a box jellyfish and I wanna stay home from work if my zipper gets stuck while I’m getting dressed. Same make, different model.

I have Texas Hold ‘Em stuck in my head but I only know the “this ain’t texas (ooh)” part 🥲😭🤠

Hey Filming in Chicago what’s filming at timber lanes? It’s by my house and I feel famous 💅🏻

The Oscars did not just leave Lance Reddick out of the in memoriam like whattttt t t t?????? ???? #Oscars