Hey Elon, thanks for letting these asshat Bitcoin bots add me to any list they want.

Good night

Spreading atheism is vaguely like spreading a lack of measles.

Does this fucking garbage fire suddenly not have a normal feed of people tweeting?

Answers in Genesis that's a cartoon drawing you fucking idiots

When Elon threatens stupidity, take him at his word.

The coffee shop scene in Heat is overrated. There, I said it.

Memo to literally every fast food chain: my eyes aren't great but I already know what a cheeseburger looks like. So maybe make the fucking pictures a little smaller and actually list more of the things you sell, with prices.

Quick reminder that pretty much every single dangerous covid myth has the same origin: people trying to protect Donald Trump from looking stupid.

So apparently one Tweet is the amount I am allowed for free today. How much will I need to pay Elon if I want to do multiple tweets?

I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said 'Can you describe the symptoms?'

I said: “Homer’s a fat dude and Marge has blue hair.”

In late 2018, Trump released Abdul Ghani Baradar, one of the top leaders of the Taliban, along with 5000 other Taliban fighters, in exchange for... *checks notes*... nobody.

Real Canadian Superstore now has 'member' pricing on some things. Also known as 'We're raising prices for all you assholes that won't give out your personal information to buy groceries'.

Dear Elon Musk. Some free advice from the world’s consigliere. You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you put Adolf Hitler back on the most effective means of communication in the modern world. The kind of mistake you will never, ever be forgiven for. Elon Musk

Elon owns Twitter now so tweeting this while it’s still allowed.

morning everyone let’s give em the ole razzle dazzle hey?

My eye itches. Also, I've been chopping jalapeno. I'm open to suggestions.

Rupert Murdoch trending, not for the reason you want.