PROCTOLOGIST: do it again

ME: *poop sprays out like silly string*

PROCTOLOGIST: *presses intercom* get in here Susan you have to see this

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

GUEST: did I just see your dog in the kitchen making martinis

ME [proudly]: yes he’s very well party trained

#NewProfilePic

The shower I use after scrolling Twitter

Don’t worry we can still be OnlyFriends

“You want to put that inside Elmo?”
“Yes.”
“And Elmo get twenty dollars?”
“That’s right.”
“Elmo want to see money first.”

[blind date]

ME [vigorously shaking a bottle of red wine]: would you like a sippy cup or a Shrek mug for this

Me: THAT IS COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT!

Farmer: Well, those are actually pigs, and the restraining order says 500 feet.

Do not go gentle into dat good ass

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they've decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Please be honest with me. Would you watch a Netflix show about a cop investigating the grisly deaths of kids, set in the Charlie and the Chocolate factory universe?

How I developed a crippling addiction to social media

A timeline

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

There are two types of people in this world: those who bring their shopping carts back to the carousel, and assholes

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

An orgy but done in the style of a royal rumble.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: lol

waiter: ikr lmao

People get really uncomfortable when they see you eating a whole cucumber like an apple.