If your AC is set to 78° don’t you dare invite me over. The damn disrespect.

Them: you can always make new friends

Me: out of what ?

therapist: you seem manic

me: well it is monday

me: i can’t be bought!

also me when someone buys me an iced coffee: you’re my favorite now.

Just burn it!
~ Me spring cleaning

An adult is a person who thinks everything was 10 years ago.

Nothing is more attractive than when someone genuinely cares if you're happy

We all only have one life, so waste it the way you want.

Don't listen to anyone who says you're a loser if you spend too much time on Twitter. We are so much worse than that.

You're more likely to be murdered by people close to you. So if you make a new friend, be sure to murder them straight away, before they get round to it.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, 'I'm not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?'.

Her: You are of average intelligence.

Me: That's just mean.

When you say, “Her buns are fake,” the only exception to a BBL accusation is Leia.

did anyone ever find out what posh spice was pointing at for all these years.

Small unrecognizable emojis match my actual emotions perfectly.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

I feel bad about a lot of things but right now I mostly feel bad about finishing this box of glazed doughnuts.

Me: I don't think the guy in this movie is an actual doctor.

Pornhub: Who's gonna tell her.

Some people need a high five to the face with a shovel