The late great George Melly, driving to a gig in Yorkshire, pulls over & asks a guy: ‘Do you know where the Bradford turn-off is? Answers: ‘I should do, I’m married to her.’

Which annoying bloody genius walked into the Slots-o-Fun amusement arcade one afternoon, saw some sad fucker trying to knock the 2p pieces down, & thought ‘that could be 250 hours of commercial TV, licensing deals in 100 countries, & a board game for Christmas.’ Makes you sick

…scientifically proven to be at least as much fun as pulling wet grass out of the lawnmower blades…thanks!

Considered response to minor irritant. God bless you Jam Spangles.

Interesting you mention that, apparently it will come down. Also, you’ll enjoy stronger orgasms, I’m told

martin kelner Robert Endeacott If I buy it will my mortgage come down.

Enjoy is not necessarily the first word I’d choose

Ho ho!

I know. I meant to.

Have noted Liz Truss getting a lot of publicity for her comic book. Just thought I’d mention that if you’re looking for an alternative, my book Wrestling In Honey, also has quite a lot of self-aggrandising bullshit in it.

Enjoyed this chat with Gaynor Faye - looking forward to seeing the show at Leeds Grand Theatre this week.

Had all 4 seasons of weather today. Ready and set for the penultimate home game of the season. One off loan deal for BBC Radio Oxford tonight - don’t blame me for anything that goes wrong on the pitch (or off it actually)!!

Who let the dogs out?

Lovely to bump into James Whale MBE. at the weekend. ‘I’m getting my MBE on Wednesday,’ James said, ‘…for being rude to people on the radio!’ A vital service. Someone’s got to do it. Mazeltov James!

Just got back from London in time to hear Alan Shearer & the 3,427th iteration of ‘be careful what you wish for.’ Love the way Shearer & his ilk think they have every right to tell #whufc fans exactly what they’re entitled to expect

1am talkSPORT #footwearfilmclub Notes on a Sandal, Das Boot, The Truman Shoe, What's Up Doc Marten, Bootee And The Beast, Fellini’s 8 1/2,

Top top prize on the ⁦talkSPORT⁩ graveyard show 1am tonight…..yes, it’s a second-hand copy of Private Eye!

All the news that's fit to print. The piss poor podcast with Edouard Lapaglie marks the death of Liberace, 33 years late - and uncovers the significance of number 403. Comes with a lollipop at the end. Popular feature. Tuck in @markytalk soundcloud.com/martinkelner/4…

Hear hear!