Women, are we really gonna do this?

I'm trying these. I'll let you know if it's a good idea. 🧵

When you want your lazy baby to get a job

I don’t normally go out after 8pm these days, but if free food is involved, I’ll make an exception.

tired of explaining myself

Car baguette 🚗🥖🔥

*me, rearranging my spice rack alphabetically* Ok, what comes after thyme?

Cyndi Lauper: thyme

I am pretty sure the reason I don't like broccoli is because my parents were super into Cheez Whiz in the 1980s

People say my 'Friyay' tattoo is a red flag

We hear that Jerry Seinfeld's Unfrosted, which comes out on Netflix today, is terrible. But the subject matter is delicious: the Pop-Tarts ! Today we pit all the frosted and un- against that obvious foil, Toaster Strudel. Which do you unwrap?

I approve this message. ☕️👍

I need men to continue being unnecessarily scared of and confused by periods because it's still my go-to for getting out of speeding tickets

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Me: Man, that pill you made me take, it was like the worst hazing yet.

My Doctor: Again, I’m not hazing you, those are side effects.

Public opinion on laser blasters has shifted, according to a new study by the Pew Pew Pew Research Center.

I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.

pretty sure my downward spiral started when my mom told me my brother was 'more traditionally handsome' so I'd have to work harder

People that back into parking spaces do you know we all hate you?

there are cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see