It’s a great honor to be part of the team that gets under Trump’s orange skin night after night. - “his wife”

Thank you so much for coming to my child’s birthday party. As a symbol of my gratitude, here is a small bag of plastic crap I didn’t want to buy and you don’t want to take home.

My wife @MollyMcNearney & I are MATCHING donations to St. Joseph Center this Thanksgiving. $50 buys a turkey dinner for a family of four! stjosephctr.org/jimmyandmollyt…

Welp. Had a good run. Sang happily w my daughter in the car for nine years. Today it was declared “embarrassing.” I have no choice but to do it shirtless now.

When you deliver a baby they put a tiny plastic wristband on the baby that grants them lifetime VIP access to every trip you take the bathroom.

This tweet is for people who read the words Swatch watch and know exactly what that smells like.

America’s best actors are at the Costco free samples stands feigning interest in buying the product.

Today every mother realizes what an incredible job she’s done as a photojournalist of fatherhood on her phone.

Great day to NOT BE ABLE TO DO A LATE NIGHT SHOW. #wgastrong

I’m about to leave town for an extended period of time which means I will now eagerly text friends to make plans when I get back. Don’t fall for my bullshit.

Let’s not wait for your kid’s face to get blown off by an assault weapon for you to take a stand on them. #BanAssaultWeaponsNow

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO NOT WRITE TO THIS!?! #wgastrong

here's a clip from Trump's deposition where he comments on the Access Hollywood tape

Ya know what’s fun about asking someone “how are the kids?” at a party? They wanna answer that as much as you wanted to ask it.

Still thinking about how hug-less that whole brilliant hour of Succession was.

Thank you, grand jury for indicting him two hours before we shoot tonight's show. Jimmy Kimmel Live

.Tim Burchett, my daughter Jaime would disagree with you. If you think you can't fix the gun violence problem, just resign. Be useless elsewhere. Jaime is forever 14, she was murdered in the Parkland shooting. You, & people like you, are the problem.
twitter.com/brenonade/stat…

Ladies, there are only two options for swimsuit bottoms this season: dental floss or diaper. Good luck out there.

Right now Melania is rolling her eyes at Donald Trump practicing his perp walk poses in a golden mirror.

I LOVE that we got under his thin orange skin. rollingstone.com/politics/polit…