Happy 13 years of putting up with me 😮‍💨

Having nightmares in my sleep when I was young consisted of being chased by monsters and murderers. Now in my 40s they're about receiving an unusually high water or electric bill.

the transition from oversized to sized my clothing makes is the most painful

Why wait for tomorrow what you can accomplish today.

-me deciding to have a midlife crisis

Someone dressed their llama up as a groomsmen in their wedding and why am I obsessed with this? 😂💀

my daughter might be other worldly because she keeps calling them portal pottys

Teenage boys these days are rocking the Bea Arthur hairstyle like a boss.

i love dentistry in america like here let me pay you for luxury insurance so someone can edward scissorhands my mouth for an hour

My kids saw mail I received that was addressed to me as “Mr.” and then my 9yo asked “Why do you have a mister in front of your name? I didn’t know you were an important person.”

'wait until your 50s!'
'wait until your 60s!'

I am Susan. That's literally what aging is. We're all waiting. Stfu and let me enjoy now.

Mine and rival dad's backyards meet together and when I mow first I mow a nice neat line across. If he mows first? That ass-turd doesn't do a straight line and just leaves his turns cut in it so I have grooves all the way down. There's going to be a murder.

it was a very long time before i realized red lobster wasn’t the upscale dinery my parents led me to believe it was

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

welcome to your 40s, it’s always a surprise how long it’s been since you last saw or talked to the person you’re seeing or talking to, and you just can’t believe it

It’s not a true driver’s license picture unless you look like all the happiness has been sucked out of your soul.

I mowed yesterday so now I'm sitting on my patio watching each and every rival dad around me come out to mow.