she’s a bit new to politics for now but I could totally see the infernal oceanic fire abyss becoming president

We’ve finally declared war on the sea.

invented a time machine to go back and tell the author of revelations what the future is really like and he vomited on his toga

right now someone is wracking their brain for ways to leverage the infernal ocean fire abyss for better brand engagement to sell fruit snacks or something

If you fall asleep on the Fourth of July Uncle Sam takes you to hell with him

well well well, if it isn't the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

just remembered at one point during lockdown I got a jury summons in the mail and I laughed and threw it in the trash

Apparently the days of the week have feelings now?

you should be allowed to choke people during laser tag

love modern america where I pay a guy $100 an hour to let me cry in front of him because crying in front of other men is too embarrassing

You are in her dm’s. I am home alone sitting in silence drinking a martini from a crystal goblet and eating a rack of lamb I made to make myself feel better. We are not the same.

*looks at earth rn*
*eyes brutal hell planet where it rains liquid iron jealously*

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Biggest antifa rally in history.

Enter Sandman is a beautiful little song about how absolutely fUcKeN mEtaL it is to tuck in for a snoozey