Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profileg
Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan

@myqkaplan

comedian! newest album: https://t.co/lqFgigCs67 weekly pod: https://t.co/rXS94z0y7Y newsletter of fun units: https://t.co/gpXPLFAPS8

ID:45928061

linkhttp://myqkaplan.com calendar_today09-06-2009 20:02:30

22,0K Tweets

40,8K Followers

2,3K Following

Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

*a scene from the world of my mom internet dating*

HER DATE: 'i have a bit for your son'

MY MOM: 'my son writes his own material'

*a beautiful scene, that is all*

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

“i saw mommy kissing Santa Claus”

“oh i’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this: there is no Santa Claus. the man your mom was kissing is just a guy who works at the mall”

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

'what's your favorite die hard movie?'

'the grinch that stole christmas'

'the grinch isn't a die hard movie'

'to me it is'

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

if you don't like saying 'merry christmas,' but you don't want to let anyone know, you can be sneaky and pretend by actually saying 'meh! re: christmas.'

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

fellow standups!

i figured something out.

if you tell someone you’re a comic and they say “tell me a joke”

did you know you can tell them SOMEONE ELSE’S joke?

like, one a friend wrote or a street joke you love.

this is my gift to myself and you if you want!

merry christmas!

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

“i hate that you can’t say merry criss-cross anymore”
“what”
“merry crass-mass”
“what”
“maury crush-mush”
“what”
“marty cruise-moos”
“what”
“see? it can’t be said and i hate it! jewish witches must be behind this!”
“they would probably go with jew-witches”
“YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!”

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

word economy is important in comedy.

eliminate everything extra and your humor will shine.

so, the best jokes are ones that you don't even tell.

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

“i came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and i’m all out of gum”

“wow you’ve done 50% of your to-do list already so early in the day?”

“i know right? thinking of taking the rest of the day off! peace out friend”

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

“it’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

“who says”

“well, have you seen the rest of the year?”

“fair”

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

the less discussed bright side to the infinite punishment of sisyphus is that half the time, he's actually just walking down the hill with no rock at all, which sounds like it could be pretty leisurely.

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Laurie Kilmartin(@anylaurie16) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Just finished watching Kenny deForest’s special, it’s REALLY REALLY GOOD. Great jokes, great lines, great stories, super cool vibe, intro and outro are fun. Treat yourself this weekend: youtu.be/AbORmRRvtJ8?si…

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Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan(@myqkaplan) 's Twitter Profile Photo

air guitar contests are boring. one time, one made me yawn, and then i won first place in a nearby air gregorian chanting contest.

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