Last line was my favorite #standupcomedy

Full episode on YouTube

The best

funniest shit i’ve seen in a while

Using a time machine to kill hitler

My girl gettin the last word in after I thought I won the fight.

The dishes in my sink when I attempt to fill the Brita

SNL doesn’t catch enough shit for having Larry David as a writer and using so few of his sketches that it led to him quitting.

You ever try to fold your girls laundry? Not one thing is symmetrical. I’d take 10 fitted sheets over one load of a women’s clothes.

Bangs are beards for women. Some people are attracted to them. Some hate them. But either way. We’re both hiding something.

Remember when Khloe Kardashian wasn’t sure if she was adopted because she didn’t look like anyone in the family? Her kids are gonna feel the same way.

The fact that we all get Deja Vu, an absolutely positive feeling that we’ve lived a present moment before, and our reaction is just “huh that was weird” is proof no one cares about anything. Deja Vu should result in life long panic and belief in nothing. It’s fuckin nuts.

I can’t believe people nap. Waking up is the worst part of my day everyday. I can’t imagine putting myself through that twice.

“Nice to meet you” is something I’ve said thousands of times and not once have I ever meant it.

If tinder has taught me anything it’s that there are definitely more then 2 genders. There are literally different breeds of human on that thing.

It’s crazy how when you enter your late 20’s your feet turn 75.

Sending out a good tweet with a typo is like having a kid with special needs. There’s a chance it could still do great things but a big part of you wants to pretend it never happened and try again.

Women who date men for their money are called gold diggers. Men who date women for their money are called feminists. What a wild chasm.

A friend just tried to convince me that the saying is “play it by year” and not ear. Alright dude, I’ll hit you up in a year about the lunch we’re suppose to have tomorrow.