IKEA INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Make a seat.

ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?

INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT

I can't sleep...
Maybe tonight's the night those 8 spiders try to crawl in my mouth.
YOU DON'T KNOW!

pretty sure my downward spiral started when my mom told me my brother was 'more traditionally handsome' so I'd have to work harder

I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.

If I said, “let’s see what’s on the Telly tonight,” would you walk out the front door and never return?

My birthstone is a chunk of sharp cheddar cheese

You can either turn on personalized ads or you can get less relevant ads. Either way you’re getting ads.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?

I’m already mad about may the 4th be with you tweets.

I managed to put a fresh set of sheets on the bed despite the cat neglecting to 'help' this time.

Me: I don't like this ad.
Twitter: Okay, here it is 33 more times.

In my defense, she didn't make a smiley face on my pancakes.

If you parents didn't almost 'accidentally' kill you at least 5 times growing up are you really Gen X?

*smells jar of peanut butter like a wine connoisseur*

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

“This is your time to shine!”

Me: [bursts into flames]

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
- they're cutest when they're asleep
- they will absolutely destroy your sofa
- they both eat out of the cat's bowl

[Salon]

Receptionist: Is there a specific stylist you want to see?

Me: One that doesn’t talk.

I'm now leaving my 'why do I continue to live here' era (every Nov to April)