My dreams as an adult are so lame. Last night, I dreamt that I found the perfect, collapsible, cheap little stool to keep in all my closets so I could reach the highest shelves. I walked around my house putting a stool in each closet, I was so happy. 🥹

Our 6YO: (walks into the room and smiles)

My Husband: (smiles back)

Our 6YO: I wasn’t smiling at you, I was thinking about something else

Tween: ugh, you and dad are the cringiest

Me: when you were potty training you had me line up your stuffed animals to watch you poop

Husbands be like, “I’m gonna nap in this room that everyone uses and then act grumpy when everyone uses it.”

Can't enjoy haiku
Until I do the counting
Trust but verify

Fitted sheet being taken out of the dryer like “I have a secret :)” and the secret is your wet laundry wound up in it

these celebrity partnerships are getting out of hand

My favorite thing about my 6YO is her uncanny ability to make you feel special while roasting you. My husband was out of town and when he came back, she told him “I was missing you so much, I cuddled my gray beanie cuz it reminds me of your hair.”

Looking at myself through my phone’s selfie camera wondering how it got set to an aging filter and then realizing, nope that’s just me

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will eat her feet, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

Me to my daughter: it’s important to be direct about your feelings and have open and honest communication.

Me to my husband: if you don’t understand why I’m upset, I’m not going to explain it to you.

5YO: I’m sooooo hungry
Me: I can make dinner early
5YO: No thanks, I was just trying to get extra snacks

“Bad Habits” I’m NOT giving up in 2024:

✔️ Drinking beer more than once a week
✔️ Eating Nutella by the spoonfuls straight out of the jar
✔️ Screen-time in bed at night
✔️ Drinking too much coffee
✔️Ordering take-out when we have food

What about you?

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

This holiday, I'm specifically requesting to sit at the kids table.

Do I wanna discuss the Middle East with my boomer uncles-in-law, or do I wanna discuss Fortnite with my tiny nephew? No-brainer.

Just went last minute Christmas gift shopping “for the last time” for the 5th time.

My 5YO named her doll after her older sister and I don’t know if this is super sweet or if she’s about to do some voodoo.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*