Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

Poor dog out walking all alone

Sometimes I ask stupid questions as a parent, like why is there a lollipop in my bathroom drawer

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

“Sweet ride, bro.”
“Thanks, pops.”

Mercury must be in astroglide again

American Standard's company BBQs are never well attended.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Hear me out- we put gigantic hamster wheels in stores. While we shop, our kids run and we get a discount for the power they generate all the while keeping them out of trouble and getting them some exercise. Who’s with me?

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

Pretty good advice from sidewalk utensils

hey boy are you the eclipse because i thought you were a big deal but then you only lasted 4 minutes

My wife and I are currently on day three of a silent argument of who is going to clean the lasagna pan that's soaking next to the sink.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

I already experienced the eclipse. I was in the kitchen packing lunch and got blocked by my wife looking for ziplock bags

I can’t decide what’s more exciting, the eclipse or the parent chat about how all our kids are going to go blind because the eclipse is at school dismissal time

me: do you know where the matter daddy is?

wife: .....what's a matter daddy?

me: nothing baby! What's the matter with you?!

wife: I hate it here