And this... Am I getting older or is the grocery store music getting better ? 🤔

Maybe find someone who actually likes you.

Tear up all these pieces.. scatter them.. let the wind take them all.

Bacon has replaced creativity

My son says “Islanders suck!” when voicing his disapproval for anything, and I don’t know how he got so smart.

In the absence
of the moon
we look to the
stars
but where
do I look
in the absence
of myself.

I never let people see the jar of bacon grease on my counter because it's too sexy for most people to even handle.

The mauling started when I tried to give Cookie Monster sugar-free cookies.

Saying, “ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy” the whole time during sex.

Entering my wild ancient entity era

I wish more people were less certain.

“My Whitey sense is tingling”

-Me when I think I taste spicy black pepper in the casserole

The sunshine enjoys me when I let it.

I feel like homemade salsa season is going to heal me, I've just gotta get there

OK, I'm in a bit of trouble and need to appease an angry demon with a human sacrifice. If you're interested, please let me know in the replies. Intact virginity preferred but not essential.

You don't know living until you have purse floss AND car floss.

Yeah, but what if I don’t have a QWERTY keyboard?

Single guys group chat: 'Where da party at this weekend?'

Dads group chat: 'That frozen cauliflower crust pizza from Costco is da bomb'.

Kids can access every song ever recorded now. I had to drive around with a PM Dawn cassette on repeat because that's what my brother left in the car

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s all the crimes I’ve committed.

So…yeah.