me: dating is hard

me on a date: why would a bull even be in a china shop to begin with

Get busy frowning or get busy smiling

- The Shawshank Expression

I'll never salute you, General Settings

WWIII is trending and i don’t know what to wear for the occasion

What’s your favorite animal author?

Mine is Edgar Allan Polar Bear

Our area finally got an ophthalmologist office. It's a sight for sore eyes.

Be sure to Left Lane

QT/celebrate dem glasses

Sometimes I take my sleeping pill and my boner pill at the same time and just let big pharma decide how my night is gonna go.

Fun fact: tootsie rolls do not contain any tootsies

Get busy paying or get busy filing

- The Shawshank Tax Exemption

Toast is universal. Toast points doubly so.

I asked the receptionist if she could start playing Hulk Hogan's theme music over the office speakers when I get back from lunch

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Get busy washing or get busy drying

- The Shawshank Disinfection

hey boy are you the eclipse because i thought you were a big deal but then you only lasted 4 minutes

my favorite thing about not having children is everything.

Every single 70s soft rock music producer: 'it's nothing some flute and Micheal McDonald in the background can't fix'