72 hour odor protection for the whole body, from your pits to your shits

I think my favorite thing about dating left-handed guys is seeing the wedding ring in their jerk-off vids

Sorry, can't talk rn because Pam from 3 cubes over just opened a greek yogurt and I need to either leave or puke

i smell a pulitzer

Give me the @ of that guy who plays guitar and tweets positivity things every morning like 'wake up, you're beautiful, you got this.'

Don't tell me what to do, I've got fries under my driver seat older than you

you guys don't worry about trump winning the election. we will stop him with Fact Checking

Did a small amount of edging in the garden this morning and now I'm laid up on a heating pad

Live pic of Taylor Swift (poet) on her way to the torture department

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there's no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Dead poets / Tortured poets

The boys at my daughter’s middle school act so gangster and hard like I couldn’t take out half of y’all with a peanut.

OK I get it, you don't like 'cilantro' please stop telling me about how you don't like 'cilantro'

higher than a pterodactyl’s ptaint rn

My new favorite type of video is cyber trucks driving cautiously on dirt roads, sometimes it's a lil muddy

We named our roomba 'Rosey the Robot' cause she sucks like a jet son

Apparently, there's a new DA in town with a point to make about cilantro. Please snd 500 american dollars for bail and 2 bags of tostitos