feels like he's getting impatient, like he didn't expect it to take this long to run it into the ground

The government even made aliens boring

A speedy airport security line called Global Ant Tree - they release different varieties of bitey fire ants to hurry you through the queue

I didn't leave twitter, twitter left me

The four seasons:
Allergies
Sunburn
Pumpkin
Depression

If you don’t have at least one 80’s playlist we probably can’t be friends.

how's your Monday going? i hate mine.

You: Trying to flirt with your TC

Autocorrect: Getting us to eat paleo

“Hello liver”

I think I'm most disappointed in how cheaply these soulless puppets have been bought off

Me: [a backup singer] 🎶beep beep beep beep beep beep🎶

a Twitter page-a-day calendar that gives a little blurb about the idiot main character that everyone was dunking on, on this date a year ago

Happy 17th birthday, Twitter! Sorry your stepdad is fucking it all up. 🙃

Everybody is doing things that disrupt billion dollar industries, and I just wanted to say: keep up the good work.

🚨 I'm still shocked that this isn't getting enough attention!?! 🚨

WATCH and listen to Rev. Robert Schenck tell how Evangelicals all over the country met with GOP House Republicans Senate Republicans members to plot with the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Nine Simone: 🎶 I put a spell on you

Me: roll for initiative

The quantum excitation of Hugs Bison particles can often leave you stranded in a field

making a new social media app that just posts your dumb little jokes to all 47 twitt*r replacements, and not tw*tter, since they want us to all pay $65,000,000 to do that