natejokes ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ 🌅⛰☕️ 🧙‍♂️ (@perlhack )

natejokes ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ 🌅⛰☕️ 🧙‍♂️

Bio All I do is keep the beat, and bad company. Black Lives Matter. He/Him
Location over the garden wall
Tweets 39,7K
Followers 6,7K
Following 5,2K
Account created 06-12-2008 18:16:42
ID 17925939

Twitter Web App : Firefighter: [saves woman from a burning building]
Reply guy who hates being called out: Hope she sees this bro. Hey Bryce check out this white knight over here.

Twitter Web App : Son: mom, you wanna play Lego forest house with me?

Me: sure!

Son: *grabs iPad and hops onto couch* Ok let me know when you‘re done building the house

Twitter Web App : I’ve may have made some poor choices in my life...

...but today my friends, pizza for dinner is a solid choice

Twitter Web App : if you can spend most of the day turning off lights and closing cabinet doors that you have just turned off and closed then motherhood might be for you

Twitter Web App : Been awhile since I did a 👔TWEET CALL👔

I'm feeling good about men today. We make jokes at their expense a lot & they let us, while sneaking around doing nice things.

Send me a funny tweet about dating or marriage *PLOT TWIST* featuring a good man.…

Twitter Web App : [cemetery job interview]

interviewer: ... everything seems to be in order. You're hired.

me: *chuckling* I hope I don't make any grave mistakes

interviewer:'re fired

Twitter Web App : Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?

Twitter Web App : Dad: it's my way or the highway

Burger King cashier: actually it's just your way

Dad: *tearing up* what

Twitter Web App : I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Twitter Web App : Hey, guys! Warrior votes are 2-for-1 today and tomorrow, if youre so inclined. Please continue to vote daily to help me get to 1st place. Round 2 ends this Thursday.…

Twitter Web App : I think I screwed up my application for government cheese, they keep sending me money instead


Me [to my thick thighs]: let's go girls this is our time to shine

Twitter Web App : you're in line waiting, socially distanced, then hear a scream from the front. stop, drop, shut ‘em down and open up shop. its dmx in a suit and hes handing out business loans for everyone like santa claus. the economy is saved

Twitter Web App : So says Erika Hall: "This essential book will fundamentally change the way you think about design—and about your own mind." Design for Cognitive Bias available for preorder now. Drops August 25th!…