Of course I'd rather be in the woods with a bear instead of a man because bears are cute and fluffy and men lie.

I blow an air horn every time I get a meeting cancellation

Easy jokes are such a turnoff.

Subarus are very safe cars until you factor in people who drive Subarus

when you really want to tell someone they need therapy, and then remember they would just lie to the therapist too

I left but I took all her sex toys with me.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Whoever is supergluing the first sheet of toilet paper to the rest of the roll, who hurt you?

I can’t imagine the mental torture it is to go through life with only some people calling you Maurice.

Why did Dave start playing pickleball with his pickle?

Because he wanted to show off his dill-icious backhand slice! 🥒🎾

- ChatGPT

Got kicked out of the rap battle for curtsying too much

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Wow. A lot of people hate orange juice.

I'm a grudge holder so fuck OJ Simpson. May each of us get exactly the afterlife we deserve.

Someone could post the saddest tweet you have ever seen and the thread will be naked chicks doing the Gluck Gluck 9000, it’s wild what this app has become lol

I woke up to me being bullied by fans of The Alan Parsons Project

Make Grammar Correct Again

Your mama buys Duke's mayonnaise from Amazon

Let's face it, it's tearproof mascara

3 dimensions seem like overkill