Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface )

Eternal Samnation

Bio Eleven minutes.
Location Tweets ▶️
Tweets 125,2K
Followers 10,9K
Following 2,6K
Account created 19-01-2019 01:43:45
ID 1086439034690375687

iPhone : If anything good can come from a "Covid Thanksgiving", it's that I won't have to listen to internet shitheads tell me how I should deal with "problematic" relatives

iPhone : In frustration I said “GOD!” so loud that He opened that door He closed and yelled back “WHAT?!”

iPhone : Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

iPhone : [me as a kid sitting in front of tv watching cartoons]
My Mom: Get back, you’ll go blind!

[me as a kid sitting in front of huge speaker blasting Beethoven’s 5th Symphony]
My Mom: Can I bring you a snack? Pillow? Something to drink?

iPhone : My favorite cut of beef? Definitely freezer beef. That’s the weird piece of beef you’ve been keeping in a ziplock bag in the freezer. You didn’t bother labeling it. “I’ll remember what type of beef this is” you lied to yourself. It usually ends up in the crockpot.